Paul Maden

I think a third party has been washing my double-barrelled shot gun.

Take a waste disposal unit to it. That'll unleash the dark forces upon a decent double-barrelled shot gun instantly.

I'm having a tough time starting my local video shop. I don't know what else to do.

Try bottling it with a passenger jet. You might find it'll drop bombs into it.

I can't get this stupid five star hotel out of my lawnmower! Do you think it'll go away?

Whatever you do, don't pass an electric current through it. You've got to pass an electric current through it first.

I'm thinking about wrapping pampus grass but don't know where to start. How do you rectify this?

This is one answer: You must first pass an electric current through your pampus grass's broomstick, and find your nearest toucan. When you've done that, use the toucan to write a formal complaint about the pampus grass's polar bear. When you've got your breath back, send off your pampus grass's TV ariel with a next generation puffin. Good luck with that one.

What's the best way to buy a replacement for a football?

It's your lucky day. Before you do anything else, tumble dry your football's service hatch, and if you can, get hold of a useful self-propelling pencil. After that, use the self-propelling pencil to find the password for the football's strimmer. Afterwards, disassemble your football's toilet roll with a good brand of Kellog's Pop Tart. Simple.

Badvice On Demand…

You want more? No problem. Click the button below for extra Badvice.