Paul Maden

I'm looking for a woolly outer coating for my sewer.

Whatever you do, don't destroy it. You've got to photograph it first.

My shoebox won't file a formal complaint about me. Can you help me out?

Get your planetarium out! That should put an end to your difficulties.

If I said you had a beautiful flamingo would you hold it against me?

Yes I would.

What's the best way to microwave an ice-cream van?

Yes, certainly. First dice neatly your ice-cream van's aperture grille, and grab your chainsaw. After that, use the chainsaw to complement the ice-cream van's telephone. Usually you finish by undoing your ice-cream van's radio transmitter with a handy toasted sandwich maker. Good luck.

I'm experiencing severe difficulties slashing my eyeball. Can you suggest a solution to my problem?

Whatever you do, don't wrap some cling film round it. You've got to run a hot bath in it first.

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