Paul Maden

I think someone has been defuzzing my inflatable hammer.

Whatever you do, don't spill things on it. You've got to terrorise it first.

How do you find a dog's coating?

We can help. Firstly, set the dogs on your dog's library books, and rummage around for your yellow submarine. When you've done that, use the yellow submarine to smear fingerprints all over the dog's torch. Then getting naked with your dog's anteater with a respectable motorbike. That should put an end to your difficulties.

If I said you had a beautiful spade would you hold it against me?

You wouldn't dare.

There are so many ways of receiving a grisly bear, and it is hard to know where to turn.

Yes. Begin to do all sorts of sordid things to your grisly bear's inventory, and find your local baker. Then, use the baker to paralyse the grisly bear's card table. A few minutes later, fumble around in your grisly bear's magic carpet with a handy starfish. That should do the trick.

There's a rather large CD collection smelling my baseball bat. Do others have this problem?

Most people just climb into them using an old-style subwoofer, but that's not always as good as using a modern bannister.

Badvice On Demand…

You want more? No problem. Click the button below for extra Badvice.