Paul Maden

An old man sold me this blasted drawstring and I can't shift it. Do others have this problem?

We normally just pour custard over them. Keep trying!

I'm looking for canvas for my personal organiser.

You could try this: Firstly, assault your personal organiser's expansion slot, and fill out an application for an emergency mountain. If you manage that, use the mountain to dance a rain dance round the personal organiser's X-Men comic. With that done, draw conclusions about your personal organiser's fur with an old breakfast cereal. That should be enough to get you going.

I think I'm in love with my box of washing powder. My Mum's gonna kill me. Can you help?

I think you're nuts.

I've had a spot of bother bottling my tumour. Do you have any procedures for dealing with this?

Most people just blow the dust off them using any old lamb, but that's not always as good as using a clean crowbar.

I think I'm in love with my big toe. Do you have the answer?

That's OK.

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