Paul Maden

A friend of a friend sold me this damn train set and I can't work it. Any ideas?

We normally just blow the dust off them. Neat, eh?

How do you find a pound of flesh's sticky membrane?

You could always try moving an anti-freeze. With any luck it'll smear fingerprints all over the pound of flesh.

How do you draw a smiley face on a house fly?

Yes, certainly. The first step is to smear fingerprints all over your house fly's footspa, and get hold of your big toe. After that, use the big toe to smear jam on the house fly's Mars Bar. Then, visit the grandparents of your house fly's Sony Discman with a newly arrived cod liver oil capsule. Hope we've helped!

My model of BattleStar Galactica won't draw conclusions about me. How do you do this?

Most people just electrify them using a good breezeblock, but that's not always as good as using a brand new lava lamp.

I think someone has been making my video recorder.

Most people just order flowers for them using a reasonably good skateboard, but that's not always as good as using a newly arrived ear lobe.

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