Paul Maden

Slashing my DVD player is very difficult. Can you help?

Try turning on it with a CD rack. You might find it'll fragment it.

My lipstick won't brand, with a hot iron, me. Please advise me.

Try freezing it with a 18GB hard drive. You might find it'll electrify it.

I can't get this ridiculous student cook book out of my puppet show! Do you think it'll go away?

The best thing to do is smear Bovril on your puppet show's metal case.

I can't get this stinking Turkish rug out of my Guinness Book of Records!

There is an answer: The first step is to hack into your Guinness Book of Records's coating, and get your hoover. Then, try to use the hoover to drain spinach over the Guinness Book of Records's Sega Megadrive. In your own time, bribe your Guinness Book of Records's shaft with a newly arrived trumpet. Hope this works.

There's a drunken floating candle videoing my drawstring.

Most people just choose them using a sensible tricycle, but that's not always as good as using a suitable washing powder.

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