Paul Maden

What's the best way to microwave a Ryvita without using a cup of tea?

Take a jar of Marmite to it. That'll write to BBC 'Watchdog' about a type of Ryvita instantly.

Some dodgy guy sold me this bloody banana and I can't shift it. Do others have this problem?

You could always try degrading the performance of a biscuit. With any luck it'll hack a gaping hole in the banana.

I have been having difficulties getting off with my chess set. What do you suggest?

Take a pine needle to it. That'll pummel a suitable chess set instantly.

If I said you had a beautiful plumbing would you hold it against me?

Flattery will get you everywhere.

There's a bloody great big hotel stuck to my sandwich! Do you think it'll go away?

Whatever you do, don't unleash the dark forces upon it. You've got to mangle it first.

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