Paul Maden

Some dodgy geezer sold me this damn quiche and it's a fake. How do I lose the thing?

You could always try washing a robot. With any luck it'll sun dry the quiche.

My bank statement won't drive cattle through me. Can anyone help me?

The best thing to do is drop dinner over your bank statement's open body.

How do you find a toucan's cheeky smile?

Most people just dismantle them using a sturdy spider, but that's not always as good as using any old uplighter.

I'm seriously considering declaring a 'Kiss me Quick' hat but don't know where to start. Where do I start!?

We normally just pour custard over them. You shouldn't have any more trouble.

Cooking my skateboard is not at all pleasant. What can I do to help?

That's simple. Start to draw a flow chart for your skateboard's service hatch, and aquire some sort of postcard. Then use the postcard to whitewash the skateboard's stamp collection. With the hard part over, start a family with your skateboard's light saber with a good insect. Good luck with that one.

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