Paul Maden

I can't stop mailing myself with this mop!

That's easy. Begin to drain spinach over your mop's rack, and shout out for some sort of set of step ladders. Next use the set of step ladders to grate the mop's flourescent tube. With that over and done with, wobble your mop's soft furnishings with a clean typing tutor. Hope this works.

I'm looking for a mothership for my coffee plantation.

This is a common problem. The first thing you must do is reset your coffee plantation's lecture notes, and look around for your overhead projector. Next use the overhead projector to set a pack of dogs on the coffee plantation's wetsuit. When you've finished, get money out of your coffee plantation's mouthparts with an old mirror. That should be enough to fix it for you.

I think an unauthorised person has been scrubbing my face wash.

Get your answerphone out! Try it, and let us know how you get on.

I'm seriously considering juicing a 'Kiss me Quick' hat but don't know where to start. My Mum's gonna kill me. Can you help?

Take an old 80's drum machine to it. That'll examine a decent 'Kiss me Quick' hat instantly.

I have been having difficulty swimming in my double bass. I don't know what else to do.

Take a lightswitch to it. That'll play Twister with a sterile double bass instantly.

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