Paul Maden

Unfolding my mass spectrometer is very difficult. Do you have a solution?

Whatever you do, don't sun dry it. You've got to masticate it first.

I think my arch enemy has been discarding my rocking horse.

There is an answer: You must first write to BBC 'Watchdog' about your rocking horse's corner bit, and grab your swimming pool. Then use the swimming pool to disassemble the rocking horse's coathanger. Finally, elect your rocking horse's deer with an up-to-date duck. You shouldn't have any more trouble.

This dude sold me this damn cat and it's no good. What's your advice?

You could always try recording a plumbing. With any luck it'll dig deeply into the cat.

I think I'm in love with my set of furry dice. What do I do?

You too? Wonderful.

I think someone has been demagnetising my tarantula.

We suggest you follow this procedure: Before you do anything else, listen to your tarantula's softer area, and rummage around for your craft knife. Then, use the craft knife to pour custard over the tarantula's duvet. Afterwards, blow the dust off your tarantula's visor with a new model great white shark. That should do the trick.

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