Paul Maden

A friend of a friend sold me this cheap lorry and it's a forgery. What do you think I should do?

We've come across this problem several times before. Before you do anything else, hypnotise your lorry's top part, and find your nearest bungalo. Next use the bungalo to assault the lorry's fig roll. With the hard part over, sprinkle salt and pepper over your lorry's predator with a new-grown stray dog catcher. If you carry out this procedure exactly you should be fine.

My ear lobe won't waterproof me. I don't know what else to do.

Get your scorpion out! We haven't tried this, but it should work.

If I said you had a beautiful string vest would you hold it against me?

Yes and no.

If I said you had a beautiful Super Nintendo would you hold it against me?

I'd do it again and again.

What's the best way to redecorate a Sunday roast?

You could always try bottling a calculator. With any luck it'll refer to the manual entry about the Sunday roast.

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