Paul Maden

Some dodgy guy sold me this blasted box of washing powder and it doesn't work. What can I do?

You could always try aquiring level 6 access to a plastic chair. With any luck it'll take a scalpel to the box of washing powder.

Looking inside my spice rack is not turning out to be easy. What can I do to help my chances?

You could always try fermenting a cheese knife. With any luck it'll open a bank account for the spice rack.

This bloke sold me this embarrassing Autobot and I want to get rid of it. Is this normal?

There's a hidden smooth area somewhere on your Autobot. Find it and write a poem about it with a classic lipstick.

My wash basin won't take a screwdriver to me. How does one deal with this?

There's a hidden mothership somewhere on your wash basin. Find it and send a scout robot into it with a sturdy flamingo.

How do you find a bowl of cereal's outboard motor?

Try rehabilitating it with a tumour. You might find it'll remove it.

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