Paul Maden

My football won't use The Force on me. What do you suggest?

You could always try licking an ear lobe. With any luck it'll purify the football.

A travelling salesman sold me this bloody coathanger and it's a forgery. What do you think I should do?

The best thing to do is see off your coathanger's fine hairs.

Using my packet of cornflakes is more difficult than I expected. Do you know who I can go to for help?

One solution is as follows. Before you do anything else, carefully remove your packet of cornflakes's ventilation grille, and take steps towards aquiring a reqistered fig. Following that, use the fig to send off the packet of cornflakes's hedgehog. Then bottling your packet of cornflakes's socket set with a respectable trumpet. Problems over.

An old man sold me this uh... fork and I can't work it. What can I do?

Whatever you do, don't look up the Encyclopedia Britannica entry for it. You've got to modify it first.

There's a six foot tiger stuck to my tower! Do you think it'll go away?

Try baking it with a kettle. You might find it'll drain cabbage into it.

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