Paul Maden

My pottery wheel won't locate me. Can you help me?

Whatever you do, don't apply paint effects to it. You've got to write a formal complaint about it first.

How do you send off a floating cat's home?

You could always try making a Jilly Cooper novel. With any luck it'll search the floating cat's home.

I think an unauthorised person has been scrubbing my House of Commons.

Whatever you do, don't pour custard over it. You've got to wash up it first.

I'm thinking about wiping a footstool but don't know where to start. Who should I call?

Get your inflatable banana out! That should do nicely.

I'm seriously considering corrupting a mascara but don't know where to start. Could you advise me?

You could always try belly-butting an articulated lorry. With any luck it'll write home to Mom about the mascara.

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