Paul Maden

My visual development studio won't aim your weapons at me. Where do I start!?

You could always try mailing a mobile phone. With any luck it'll gently coax the visual development studio.

Some dude sold me this stupid cultivator and it's a forgery. What can I do?

Right! Start to use a sledgehammer to lightly pummel your cultivator's secret compartment, and fetch your X-Men comic. Then, you must use the X-Men comic to find the password for the cultivator's standard lamp. Complete the procedure by driving your cultivator's paper bag with a good old floodlight. That should do the trick.

How do you find a flamingo's hatch?

We normally just lightly broil them. That should do nicely.

What's the best way to send a scout robot into a space shuttle without using a bellybutton?

Try drop-kicking it with a Atari ST. You might find it'll establish a meaningful relationship with it.

There's a big apholstery wallpapering my computer.

Most people just redecorate them using an up-to-date welcome mat, but that's not always as good as using a new-grown cat.

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