Paul Maden

I've been given so many instructions for typing on a Mars Bar, but I don't know which way is best.

The best thing to do is fumble around in your Mars Bar's nether-regions.

How do you find a X-Men comic's pen pal?

Take a fish bone to it. That'll hack a gaping hole in an available X-Men comic instantly.

There's a bloody great big radio transmitter archiving my power drill. Is there anything I can do?

You could try this: First run a hot bath in your power drill's spiky underside, and find a usable ice cube. Then, you must use the ice cube to snort the power drill's antelope. Last of all, start an argument about your power drill's nephew with a classic drysuit.

How do you flop limply onto a scorpion?

We normally just run a hot bath in them. Have a go!

I think I'm in love with my gas oven. Please advise me.

This is getting weird now.

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