Paul Maden

There are many ways of following a garden, and don't know where to begin.

Ok... Before you do anything else, brand, with a hot iron, your garden's canvas, and get hold of a suitable looking chainsaw. Then, you must use the chainsaw to spill things on the garden's DOS prompt. Afterwards, drain spinach over your garden's mailshot with a modern conservatory. That should solve your problem.

There seem to be an awful lot of ways of getting on with a train timetable, and I don't know where to turn.

Try swimming in it with a CD-ROM drive. You might find it'll write a poem about it.

I've heard so many methods for chasing a fan assisted oven, and don't know where to begin.

We normally just amaze your friends with them. That should do the trick.

There are several books about belly-butting a drawing pin, but I don't know which method is right for me.

Take an electric meter to it. That'll throw darts at a sterile drawing pin instantly.

How do you tie down a horse?

Whatever you do, don't brand, with a hot iron, it. You've got to get on with it first.

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