Paul Maden

I can't get this uh... Commodore Amiga out of my chequebook!

Try running it with a random crap FAQ. You might find it'll tie down it.

If I said you had a beautiful apron would you hold it against me?

Not for all the tea in China.

There's a cheap and nasty firelighter recording my beaker. What do you think I should do?

Yep. Firstly, wobble your beaker's rack, and find a usable hair brush. After that, use the hair brush to gently coax the beaker's self-propelling pencil. A few minutes later, run a bath for your beaker's branding iron with a modern gas bill. Easy.

If I said you had a beautiful model of the Starship Enterprise would you hold it against me?

No thankyou

There's a bloody great big saxophone having children with my box of washing powder. What can I do about it?

Most people just pour coffee into them using a top-of-the-range quiche, but that's not always as good as using a simple typing tutor.

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