Paul Maden

I can't get this embarrassing model of BattleStar Galactica out of my box of washing powder! Any ideas?

Take a nephew to it. That'll terrorise a handy box of washing powder instantly.

I think I'm in love with my set of timpani. Where do I start!?

Me too.

There's a drunken pair of Y-fronts stuck to my local police station! Got any ideas?

You're not the only one! The first step is to lightly season your pair of Y-fronts's expansion slot, and take steps towards aquiring a reqistered butterfly. When you've done that, use the butterfly to elect the pair of Y-fronts's linoleum flooring. Finally, sprinkle salt and pepper over your pair of Y-fronts's figment of my imagination with a handy beer mat. Let's hope that's of some help.

There seem to be an awful lot of ways of entwining a linoleum flooring, and it is hard to know where to turn.

Most people just file a formal complaint about them using a new model guided missile, but that's not always as good as using a reasonably good traffic warden.

I can't get this awful arsenal out of my umbrella stand! Do others have this problem?

It's your lucky day. Before you do anything else, gently fragrance your umbrella stand's plastic extension, and find your nearest knacker's yard. Then, try to use the knacker's yard to give a new look to the umbrella stand's model of the Starship Enterprise. You can finish it by cleaning out your umbrella stand's submarine with a good brand of partical accelerator. That should solve your problem.

Badvice On Demand…

You want more? No problem. Click the button below for extra Badvice.