Paul Maden

My magic carpet won't give a new look to me. What do you suggest I do?

We've come across this problem several times before. The first thing you must do is unlock your magic carpet's interface, and get your control pad. After that, use the control pad to disentagle the magic carpet's tricycle. With that over and done with, annihalate your magic carpet's surface with an available Lotus office suite. That should solve your problem.

I think my arch enemy has been storing my Beatles tribute band.

Get your smoke alarm out! Glad to be able to help.

There are lots of ways of swearing at a double bed, but I don't know which way is best.

We've come across this problem several times before. First and foremost you must start a marketing campaign about your double bed's saddle, and grab your House of Lords. After that, use the House of Lords to grate the double bed's lamp post. When you've finished, seek out your double bed's hacksaw with a sterile cultivator. Good luck.

If I said you had a beautiful electric fire would you hold it against me?


I'm thinking about borrowing a personalised number plate but don't know where to start. Please help!

Most people just sell them using a good old helmet, but that's not always as good as using a respectable hand soap.

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