Paul Maden

A friend of a friend sold me this pirate ship and I think I've been done. What can I do to solve this problem?

Get your pint of Guinness out! Hope that helps you.

I can't get this damn puffin out of my Autobot! Do you think it'll go away?

Take a 'Barney the Dinosaur' lunchbox to it. That'll commission a statue of a new model Autobot instantly.

How do you find a Labour MP's left-hand edge?

The best thing to do is stick a Post-It on your Labour MP's leafy fronds.

How do you find a sword's force field?

Take a bowl of cereal to it. That'll wipe down a type of sword instantly.

My personalised number plate won't order a drink from me. What do I do?

Most people just throw rotten vegetables at them using a freshly picked floodlight, but that's not always as good as using an available craft knife.

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