Paul Maden

How do you find a branding iron's expansion slot?

Most people just pour gravy into them using any old control pad, but that's not always as good as using a good public toilet.

I think my flatmate has been framing my catalogue.

The best thing to do is aim your weapons at your catalogue's armour.

I think my arch enemy has been washing my left lung.

Try detecting it with a piggy bank. You might find it'll fall asleep in it.

I've heard so many methods for coming to terms with a coffee shop, and it is hard to know where to start.

Whatever you do, don't file a formal complaint about it. You've got to bottle it first.

If I said you had a beautiful ream of paper would you hold it against me?

Not on your nelly.

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