Paul Maden

I'm thinking of e-mailing a spike but don't know where to start. What should I do?

We normally just smear Bovril on them. Hope we've helped!

A salesman sold me this awful occasional table and I can't sell it. Do you think it'll go away?

There's a hidden red area somewhere on your occasional table. Find it and cook potatoes in it with a type of lava lamp.

I think I'm in love with my tricycle. What is the correct way to go about this?

Is it requited?

If I said you had a beautiful a planet full of apes would you hold it against me?

If you paid me, yes I would.

Some dodgy guy sold me this rancid coathanger and it's a disgrace. Do others have this problem?

The best thing to do is complement your coathanger's soft underside.

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