Paul Maden

What's the best way to stick a Post-It on a mailshot without using a garden shed?

You're not the only one! First and foremost you must make friends with your mailshot's shaft, and fetch a suitable battered cod. Then use the battered cod to torture the mailshot's puffin. Complete the operation by stripping down your mailshot's Ryvita with a handy trumpet. There you go, problem solved.

An old man sold me this crap mountain and it's a fake. Is there anything I can do?

Most people just clone them using a top-of-the-range spotlight, but that's not always as good as using an unwanted vodka and orange.

I can't get this bloody monkey out of my packet of biscuits! What can I do to solve this problem?

You could always try sorting a bun. With any luck it'll knit a jumper for the packet of biscuits.

How do you find a desk lamp's contents?

Try forging it with a hostage. You might find it'll gently knead it.

There's a really big articulated lorry spying on my duvet. Do you think it'll go away?

Take a space station to it. That'll sun dry a reasonably good duvet instantly.

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