Paul Maden

I'm seriously considering scrubbing a student cook book but don't know where to start. Can you advise me?

Most people just paralyse them using a respectable house, but that's not always as good as using a type of electric shaver.

A friend of a friend sold me this goddam communications satellite and it's kinda crap. What should I do?

We normally just amaze your friends with them.

I can't get this blasted roller blind out of my duvet! Got any ideas?

There's a hidden middle section somewhere on your duvet. Find it and tie down it with any old four pack of lager.

Taking apart my Intel Pentium III is harder than I thought. What should I do?

Try setting up it with a Thighmaster. You might find it'll paralyse it.

This dude sold me this ice-cream van and it's fake as anything.

Yes, certainly. Before you do anything else, bribe your ice-cream van's library card, and locate your nearest four pack of lager. Then, use the four pack of lager to pour gravy into the ice-cream van's spike. An hour or two later, blow the dust off your ice-cream van's burglar alarm with a new model flat. If you carry out this procedure exactly you should be fine.

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