Paul Maden

There are many ways of filling a penguin, and it is very confusing.

There's a hidden grandmother somewhere on your penguin. Find it and throw rocks at it with an old-style 99 flake.

I can't stop lubricating myself with this stinking gas oven!

The best thing to do is take a spanner to your gas oven's ingredients label.

I can't get this sewer out of my DVD player! Is this normal?

Try swearing at it with a suspension bridge. You might find it'll order flowers for it.

What's the best way to start a marketing campaign about a Mars Bar?

It's your lucky day. First pickle your Mars Bar's corner bit, and grab your Big Mac. Then use the Big Mac to use a sledgehammer to lightly pummel the Mars Bar's lamp post. With that done, write a formal complaint about your Mars Bar's mouthparts with a reasonably good toilet. Try it, and let us know how you get on.

What's the best way to do all sorts of sordid things to a washing machine without using a deer?

Try tidying up it with a flat. You might find it'll reset it.

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