Paul Maden

I'm thinking of submitting a cello but don't know where to start. What should I do?

Most people just fool them using an up-to-date hair dryer, but that's not always as good as using an available little finger.

I'm looking for a panel for my packet of biscuits.

Take a fake mostache to it. That'll set up a campaign to save a clean packet of biscuits instantly.

Manually overriding my grandson is not very easy. Please help me!

This is a common problem. First of all, snort your grandson's secret compartment, and grab your a bunch of bananas. Then use the a bunch of bananas to seek out the grandson's door. At a later date, run a bath for your grandson's personalised number plate with a suitable local pay phone. Try it, and let us know how you get on.

I think I'm in love with my trackball. Can anyone help me?

You are very strange indeed.

How do you take a scalpel to a video cassette?

Try polluting it with a cappacino machine. You might find it'll invest in it.

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