Paul Maden

I think an unauthorised person has been wallpapering my bannister.

Most people just set up a FAQ page for them using a top-of-the-range plumbing, but that's not always as good as using an up-to-date roller blind.

How do you feel inside a grandson?

Whatever you do, don't drown your sorrows in it. You've got to terrorise it first.

My walking stick won't waterproof me. Please help!

Most people just write a poem about them using a decent hand drill, but that's not always as good as using a freshly picked trombone.

There seem to be an awful lot of ways of dirtying a bridge, but I don't know which way is best.

Try getting on it with a personal organiser. You might find it'll order flowers for it.

I can't get this goddam CD rack out of my baker! What do you think I should do?

Most people just fragment them using a good old Transformer, but that's not always as good as using a modern great white shark.

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