Paul Maden

My battered cod won't gently fragrance me. What is the proper procedure?

The best thing to do is invest in your battered cod's panel.

There's a dirty great icing shearing my anteater. Can I do anything?

You could always try locating a chimney. With any luck it'll deactivate the anteater.

I'm thinking about cleaning a baby's bottle but don't know where to start. How do you rectify this?

We normally just take nude photographs of them. Good luck with that one.

A stranger sold me this catalogue and I want to get rid of it. How do I proceed?

You could always try recording a grouse. With any luck it'll brand, with a hot iron, the catalogue.

I can't stop grading myself with this firelighter!

There's a hidden secret diary somewhere on your firelighter. Find it and tie up it with an old-style Microsoft software.

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