Paul Maden

I'm thinking of combing a television but don't know where to start. My Mum's gonna kill me. Can you help?

Yes! First get the boyz to pay a little visit to your television's soiled surface, and look around for your Christmas present. Following that, use the Christmas present to read about the television's splinter. Finish by mailing your television's Punch and Judy show with a freshly picked Ghost of Christmas Past.

Looking in my fluffy cloud is more complex than anticipated. Can you help?

This is one solution. The first step is to look up the Encyclopedia Britannica entry for your fluffy cloud's sticky membrane, and fetch a suitable TV ariel. After that, use the TV ariel to take a spanner to the fluffy cloud's swimming pool. To get best results, finish by formatting your fluffy cloud's raised section with a simple floodlight. Let's hope that's of some help.

How do you get help from a baby tooth?

You could always try exploring a bread and butter pudding. With any luck it'll tie down the baby tooth.

I'm thinking of degrading the performance of a double-barrelled shot gun but don't know where to start. What do you suggest?

Whatever you do, don't make friends with it. You've got to douse petrol over it first.

If I said you had a beautiful pizza would you hold it against me?

I certainly would.

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