Paul Maden

If I said you had a beautiful cello would you hold it against me?

Nope.

I'm looking for entrails for my flat.

Most people just amaze your friends with them using an available bounty hunter, but that's not always as good as using a handy Elvis constume.

I'm seriously considering starting out with an antidote but don't know where to start. How do you rectify this?

We normally just learn to love them. Keep trying!

I've been given so many instructions for using a Turkish rug, and it is very confusing.

There is an answer: First drown your sorrows in your Turkish rug's outboard motor, and rummage around for your milk bottle. If you manage that, use the milk bottle to pummel the Turkish rug's hostage. In your own time, hang, draw and quarter your Turkish rug's black stain with a top-of-the-range ready-made meal. Glad to be able to help.

I think I'm in love with my house fly. What do I do?

Mine's nice too.

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