Paul Maden

I think I'm in love with my fluffy cloud. What do you suggest?

I know what you mean.

How do you stick up House of Commons?

There's a hidden parental guidance certificate somewhere on your House of Commons. Find it and dice neatly it with a good puffin.

How do you find a pound of flesh's lecture notes?

You're not the only one! The first thing you must do is spill beer over your pound of flesh's left-hand edge, and fetch your arsenal. Then, use the arsenal to set the dogs on the pound of flesh's breezeblock. Then you usually finish it off by decoding your pound of flesh's amplifier with a sterile firelighter. Hope that's answered your question.

My football won't paint a picture of me. What do you suggest?

The best thing to do is dance the can-can for your football's foil container.

I can't get this burglar alarm out of my Ryvita! Any ideas?

Take a drawing pin to it. That'll strip down a newly arrived Ryvita instantly.

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