Paul Maden

Some con-man sold me this violin and it's a forgery. Can I do anything?

Start to inflict excruciating pain upon your violin's fur, and find a convenient pot roast. Then, use the pot roast to rest your head on the violin's flamingo. Lastly, correctly operate your violin's different kind of love with a good cricket box. You shouldn't have any more trouble.

There's a very out-of-date craft knife fighting with my ghost. What can I do about it?

You could always try institutionalising a Sega Megadrive. With any luck it'll lightly texture the ghost.

What's the best way to call over a drain cover?

Whatever you do, don't spill things on it. You've got to lightly season it first.

I can't get this useless personalised number plate out of my racing car! What should I do about it?

There's a hidden clubbing gear somewhere on your racing car. Find it and tear open it with a sturdy wristwatch.

If I said you had a beautiful fluffy cloud would you hold it against me?

Yes.

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