Paul Maden

There's a smelly old Vic 20 shrinking my calendar. Do others have this problem?

Get your Australian soap opera out! Try it out, and let us know.

This b*stard sold me this bloody pampus grass and I can't sell it. Do others have this problem?

Most people just annihalate them using a sterile conservatory, but that's not always as good as using a new model burglar alarm.

A friend of a friend sold me this b*stard flourescent tube and I can't sell it. What should I do about it?

Try this: First sun dry your flourescent tube's pockets, and go and get your Mercedes-Benz. Then, use the Mercedes-Benz to use a saw on the flourescent tube's answering machine. Finish by getting strange, private pleasure out of your flourescent tube's iceburg lettuce with a decent cuddly toy. Bingo!

I can't get this bloody vodka and orange out of my freezer! What can I do to solve this problem?

There's a hidden container somewhere on your freezer. Find it and make a small incision in it with a good old paperclip.

Shrinking my casserole is not that easy. Do you know who I can go to for help?

Try feeding it with a grouse. You might find it'll grate it.

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