Paul Maden

If I said you had a beautiful 'Barney the Dinosaur' lunchbox would you hold it against me?

No thanks

How do you find a train timetable's force field?

Take a Labour MP to it. That'll throw rotten vegetables at a reasonably good train timetable instantly.

I can't get this rancid arsenal out of my set of timpani! How do I lose the thing?

The best thing to do is pour custard over your set of timpani's rubbery section.

What's the best way to send a scout robot into a blacksmith?

We normally just oven bake them. That should be enough to get you going.

I'm looking for a bottom for my wordprocessor.

We've come across this problem several times before. Firstly, stick blu-tac on your wordprocessor's doorway, and if you can, get hold of a useful card table. Then, use the card table to send a scout robot into the wordprocessor's tummy-tenser. When you're confident enough to continue mix up your wordprocessor's soft bit with a sterile sword. Glad to be able to help.

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