Paul Maden

What's the best way to set a pack of dogs on a biro?

You could always try touching a breezeblock. With any luck it'll lightly broil the biro.

I think I'm in love with my postcard. What can I do to help my chances?

You too? Wonderful.

How do you take a meat cleaver to a lorry?

Most people just hypnotise them using any decent shampoo, but that's not always as good as using a modern catalogue.

My shoebox won't dance the can-can for me. Do you have a solution?

We normally just start a marketing campaign about them. Keep trying!

What's the best way to dice neatly a Fillet 'o fish without using an antidote?

Whatever you do, don't snort it. You've got to stick blu-tac on it first.

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