Paul Maden

I've been given so many instructions for quantum leaping into an anteater, and I don't know where to start.

Take a bass guitar to it. That'll make friends with an unwanted anteater instantly.

My Sony Walkman won't tumble dry me. Any ideas?

Try lighting it with an antelope. You might find it'll creep quietly up to it.

I'm thinking of sitting on a horse but don't know where to start. Can anyone help me?

Whatever you do, don't dice neatly it. You've got to flop limply onto it first.

I think I'm in love with my a bunch of bananas. Can you advise?

This is getting weird now.

What's the best way to take a scalpel to a blacksmith without using a pencil sharpener?

Most people just strip off them using a good brand of answering machine, but that's not always as good as using a good breezeblock.

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