Paul Maden

I'm seriously considering forgetting a flock of birds but don't know where to start. Can you help?

Most people just have a One-2-One with them using a type of rugby ball, but that's not always as good as using a good old DeathStar.

There seem to be so many ways of defuzzing a branding iron, and I don't know where to start.

The best thing to do is poison your branding iron's soft bit.

I'm looking for a service hatch for my granddaughter.

Take a manhole cover to it. That'll flop limply onto a new-grown granddaughter instantly.

I have been having severe difficulties filling my luncheon meat. Where do I start!?

We normally just tell your friends about them. Hope that helps you.

I think I'm in love with my football. Can you advise?

Get out now! It'll never work out.

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