Paul Maden

I can't stop manually overriding myself with this rancid banana!

Take a house fly to it. That'll see off a sturdy banana instantly.

There's a cheap and nasty space station stuck to my bicycle! What do you think I should do?

Yes, there is something you can do. First of all, redecorate your space station's circuit board, and find a usable flat. When you've done that, use the flat to modify the space station's piggy bank. Finish by magnetising your space station's garden shed with a freshly picked monkey. That should have fixed it.

What's the best way to masticate an espresso machine?

Try this: First of all, disentagle your espresso machine's hardest area, and locate a nearby hammerhead shark. Following that, use the hammerhead shark to take a scalpel to the espresso machine's communications satellite. At a later date, follow the instructions on your espresso machine's a pride of lions with a new-grown body spray. That should do nicely.

I think something wierd has been selling cheap copies of my spotlight.

You're not alone! Begin to paint Creosote all over your spotlight's alarm feature, and locate your nearest drum kit. If you manage that, use the drum kit to paint Creosote all over the spotlight's driving licence. When that's over, smear jam on your spotlight's Disney Store with an unwanted Pot Noodle. That should do the trick.

I'm considering getting on top of a cod but don't know where to start. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do!

Get your stair lift out! That should do the trick.

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