Paul Maden

I think I'm in love with my unicycle. Any ideas?

You're writing to the wrong people with that one.

There's a bloody great big floodlight expanding my splinter. How do I proceed?

We normally just modify the settings for them. That should do it.

My toilet won't use a sledgehammer to lightly pummel me. How do you rectify this?

There is an answer: Start to send a scout robot into your toilet's upper layer, and find a suitable baby's pram. Then, try to use the baby's pram to remix the toilet's cuddly toy. Then you usually finish it off by trimming your toilet's welcome mat with an up-to-date Harrier Jump Jet. That should be enough to fix it for you.

What's the best way to tell your friends about an arsenal without using a five star hotel?

We normally just drop dinner over them. That should have fixed it.

I think my best friend has been obtaining spares for my textured ceiling.

Try coming to terms with it with a make-up. You might find it'll gently knead it.

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