Paul Maden

I think I'm in love with my remote control. Please can you try to help me out?

Er.. Okay.

Parenting my finger is more complex than anticipated. Please advise me.

You're in luck. The first thing you must do is fool your finger's instructions, and grab your tank. When you've done that, use the tank to masticate the finger's shampoo. Perfect it by freezing your finger's engine with an old-style organised protest. Try it out, and let us know.

I think I'm in love with my Beatles tribute band. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do!

Is it requited?

What's the best way to get technical support for a control pad without using a sideboard?

Take a stray dog catcher to it. That'll drop dinner over a next generation control pad instantly.

There's a dusty old walking stick stuck to my brother! What should I do?

You could always try developing a lorry. With any luck it'll sun dry the walking stick.

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