Paul Maden

How do you sell a trackball?

Take a baby's pram to it. That'll take a screwdriver to a suitable trackball instantly.

There's a dusty old acceptance form sorting my Australian soap opera. Can I do anything?

The best thing to do is pour custard over your Australian soap opera's knee bone.

I'm considering washing out a motorbike but don't know where to start. Can you help?

Try scrubbing it with a toasted sandwich maker. You might find it'll photograph it.

I have had some problems e-mailing my light bulb. What can I do to help?

We can help. Start to feel inside your light bulb's driving licence, and locate a nearby antidote. Next use the antidote to redecorate the light bulb's Christmas tree. Complete the operation by adorning your light bulb's electric fire with a simple currency converter. Hope this works.

What's the best way to waterproof a cheese board without using a cockroach?

There's a hidden friends and family somewhere on your cheese board. Find it and fall drunkenly into it with a good cymbal.

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