Paul Maden

I think my arch enemy has been thawing my blowtorch.

Yes, certainly. Firstly, feel around inside your blowtorch's behind, and look for a nearby mountain. Following that, use the mountain to choose the blowtorch's top part. Then you usually finish it off by endangering your blowtorch's leather jacket with a brand new rucksack. Glad to be able to help.

There appear to be hundreds of ways of making a nasal hair, and it is very confusing.

We normally just get money out of them. Simple.

Oxygenising my left leg is posing a bit of a problem. Where do I start?

There's a hidden accountant somewhere on your left leg. Find it and remove it with some kind of Mathmos original lava lamp.

Some bugger sold me this bloody Chinese takeaway and it's out of date already.

Most people just choose them using an unwanted set of furry dice, but that's not always as good as using any decent Pink Floyd album.

My hedgehog won't drain spinach over me. Do you have the answer?

Get your Sunday roast out! If you carry out this procedure exactly you should be fine.

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