Paul Maden

I find myself on a small cul-de-sac street, bordered by gardens containing tall conifers, each one enclosed to the sides with solid fence panels. Between various gardens are ginnels running through to unknown places. I am needing a wee quite badly and my attempts to go up against a fence are thwarted by an observer shouting from their window. I pick up a discarded mountain bike and head off down a ginnel.

I emerge inside a large room in what could well be a school^*1. The ceiling (or roof) is made of georgian wired glass^*2, and the floor has a newly laid thick beige carpet. The room is empty except for a few people scurrying about, seemingly late for something or other.

I head off (on the bike) down a winding staircase which has also been carpeted, but not a fitted carpet, rather that the carpet is laying diagonally down the stairs. Needless to say I am the fastest person in the world to get down the stairs, for which I am celebrated (by whom I do not see.)

At the foot of the stairs I bump into TV Magician Paul Daniels (minus, for once, the lovely Debbie McGee) who is stood in the doorway of a room, hurriedly gathering up papers that he has dropped. I dismount the bike, and on bending down to help him I catch glimpse of some of the papers. They appear to contain scribbled notes, revision notes perhaps, and what looks like formulae for stairs and the carpeting thereof. I ask Paul some questions (but not a lot!) about what he is up to nowadays, and he informs me that he does private work mostly but that he still makes the odd tv appearance on late night panel shows. I ask if this means ‘Have I Got News For You’, to which he looks kind of embarassed to say yes to. He informs me that he’s going to be appearing in a forthcoming Disney film called either Egg Man or Mr Egg^*3. I ask him when the film will be released and he hurries off, not to return.

Still having some of the papers in my hand I go into the room Paul Daniels was leaving, to find it is a school room, and that a test is taking place. I cycle to the front at great speed, but am surprised to discover the adjudicator is the Queen. I try to tell her about the papers and Paul Daniels, but she doesn’t care and asks the pupils if they can guess who I am. When nobody can, she then asks if anyone can guess who she is, and at this point I woke up, very confused and needing a wee for real.

— The End —

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Notes and what-have-you

1. With hindsight the building is eerily reminiscent of Vertex Training and Conference Centre in Chorley, circa 2000
2. Wire mesh reinforced glass of the kind one would find in schools or factories
3. Where back in my University days I did often ‘Eat like a King for only £1′